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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28803750">Daddy's Home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/storywriter55/pseuds/storywriter55'>storywriter55</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Neal and Sara's Wonderful Adventure [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>White Collar (TV 2009)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Dreams, Gen, Haunted by the past, Parenthood, Self-Doubt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:53:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,434</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28803750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/storywriter55/pseuds/storywriter55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal struggles with feelings of self-doubt following the birth of his daughter. Part of the 'Neal and Sara's Wonderful Adventure' series. Immediately follows 'Special Delivery'.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Neal Caffrey/Sara Ellis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Neal and Sara's Wonderful Adventure [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995649</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>March 27<sup>th</sup>, 6:48 p.m.</strong>
</p>
<p>The sun was hanging in the sky like a big orange ball when Peter Burke drove by the rather dilapidated sign by the side of the highway: Flemington, Pennsylvania, Population 1,300.Although it was just slightly over an hour and a half away from New York City, Peter had never even heard of the place until it had shown up on his computer screen earlier that afternoon. He dialled Neal’s cell phone number for the umpteenth time and listened with annoyance as it went straight to voice mail, cursing under his breath.</p>
<p>The last place he wanted to be on this late March evening was chasing his impulsive criminal informant across state lines. Despite his better judgement, he’d gone out on a limb and decided to give Neal the benefit of the doubt, considering the present circumstances, but now, he shook his head at the realization that the young man was putting himself and Peter in an impossible position.</p>
<p>Again.</p>
<p>He thought back to all the times Neal’s reckless behaviour had put him in such a spot and he briefly wondered if he was angrier at Neal or at himself for not calling his partner out on his crazy, irresponsible behaviour. He swallowed hard and tried to collect his thoughts. Whatever reason Neal had for being in this God forsaken out of the way town a mere seventeen hours after his baby daughter’s birth, Peter had to hear him out before deciding if he should haul his sorry ass back to New York... in handcuffs. There was Sara to consider and now... there was a little person who needed her daddy. </p>
<p>
  <strong>March 27<sup>th</sup>, 3:45 p.m.</strong>
</p>
<p>Peter was headed to a briefing with Reese Hughes when he felt the phone vibrate in his jacket pocket. He grabbed it and sent the call to voicemail without even checking the screen. Hughes had just given him the double finger point and everybody knew that when you got the double finger point, you responded immediately, no questions asked. Turned out, the bigwigs in Washington wanted Peter and his team to get to work on a money laundering scheme – <em>now</em>.</p>
<p>By the time he came out of his boss’ office with direct instructions to get his team together first thing in the morning, the calls to his voicemail had somehow multiplied to eight and he had more than an inkling all was not right with the world. Two of the calls were from Sara Ellis’ cell and another six from Elizabeth. He took a deep breath, preparing for the worst and closed the door to his office, taking his place behind his desk to call his wife. Something was definitely brewing and he had a foreboding sense that it involved his unpredictable CI.</p>
<p>‘Hi honey, I just got your message. What’s up?’ he said into the phone.</p>
<p>‘Thank God, Peter. I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour’ she said, sounding frantic.</p>
<p>He could hear her moving around and the sound of a door closing as she came back on the line.</p>
<p>‘I’m at the hospital with Sara’ she whispered. ‘And there’s no sign of Neal anywhere.’ </p>
<p>‘What do you mean ‘no sign of Neal’?’ Peter asked.</p>
<p>‘He went home to shower and change at about ten o’clock this morning and he hasn’t been back’ she continued, her voice quiet. ‘He’s not answering his phone and Sara’s going crazy.’</p>
<p>Peter thought back to the events of the previous night. Neal had been over the moon as he’d introduced baby Hope to his extended family, nothing but pure joy and excitement dancing in his eyes. What could possibly be keeping him from being with his new family less than a day later?</p>
<p>‘Did you try Mozzie?’ Peter asked, as he sat at his computer, typing in his FBI identification number and password.</p>
<p>‘He’s not answering either’ El replied, her voice growing shrill. ‘Honey, I’m running out of rationalizations. I’ve been trying to tell Sara that Neal probably just fell asleep but she’s not stupid... Do you think he’s had an accident?Or...’ she hesitated before continuing. ‘Do you think he’d run?’</p>
<p>‘Look’ Peter said, as he accessed the Federal Marshall’s website, hoping against hope to find Neal’s anklet flashing over on Riverside Drive. ‘You just keep working on keeping Sara calm and I’ll see what I can find out.’</p>
<p>‘Hurry Peter, Sara’s all over the map and she’s imagining the worst.’</p>
<p>Peter hung up absentmindedly as he gawked at the alert flashing on his screen, notifying him that his CI had stepped out of his two mile radius – although ‘stepped out’ was hardly an apt description considering he was over sixty miles away, somewhere in Pennsylvania. There had to be some kind of mistake – or an explanation – and Peter grabbed his phone to contact the Marshalls. The last thing he wanted was to have Neal picked up for violation of his release conditions, today of all days.</p>
<p>‘This is Agent Peter Burke from the White Collar Division in New York. I... I forgot to notify you that my CI was with me today at a meeting in...’ Peter glanced at his computer ‘…Pennsylvania.’</p>
<p>‘Yes sir. We were just about to contact you about him breaching his radius’ said the disembodied voice on the other end.</p>
<p>‘Well, no need. Sorry about that’ Peter muttered.</p>
<p>He took a slow steadying breath and felt another grey hair sprout on his thinning head. This wasn’t the first time Neal had pulled such a stunt and if the younger man had been standing before him, Peter wouldn’t have hesitated to throttle him. </p>
<p>Instead, Peter grabbed his jacket and ran out of the Federal Building on his search for his partner and friend. </p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>Sara sat up in her hospital bed breastfeeding her newborn daughter as she lay calmly in her arms, thankfully unaware of her mom’s presently frazzled state of mind. Elizabeth sat nearby, smiling at her friend, the two women taking turns trying to reassure each other. With every passing minute, the explanations were becoming less and less probable and the worry factor was climbing to disproportionate levels. Their eyes met and Sara kicked off again, her voice shaking.</p>
<p>‘Something’s happened to him’ she said again.</p>
<p>‘Honey, let’s not jump to conclusions’ said El, hand on her friend’s arm, desperately trying to keep her calm.</p>
<p>‘But if he could, he would have called...’ Sara said, on the verge of tears.</p>
<p>She’d given birth less than twenty-four hours before and her emotions were all over the map to say nothing of her dwindling energy after a long, exhausting labour. As horrible as it was to imagine Neal in a ditch somewhere, any other possible explanation was somehow even worse – that he couldn’t handle his new responsibilities as a dad and had run off to parts unknown. Mozzie had been impossible to reach which was suspicious in and of itself; he always took Mrs. Suit’s calls and yet, in this instance, he’d been missing in action, just like his buddy. </p>
<p>‘Peter’s on it, Sara. Let’s give him some time. He can track Neal’s anklet and he’ll call as soon as he knows something’ she said, trying her best to sound reassuring.</p>
<p>Sara looked down at her daughter, <em>their </em>daughter, and thought back to the night before when Neal had held the newborn so lovingly in his arms, his face alight with pride and joy at her arrival. They’d laid together in Sara’s hospital bed after everyone had left and watched their baby girl sleeping in the small bassinet nearby. She remembered Neal’s words as he’d curled up behind her and spoke softly in her ear. <em>‘You were amazing’</em> he’d whispered.<em> ‘Look at what you did… she’s perfect.’</em></p>
<p>By morning, after a couple of hours of restless sleep, she’d awakened to find Neal, sitting by her bed with Hope in his arms, singing gently to the newborn as he gazed down fondly at her. The image was etched in her mind and, recalling the look of pure bliss on his face, she could not imagine any possible explanation as to why Neal wasn’t here by her side. </p>
<p>Elizabeth Burke knew Neal Caffrey almost as well as Sara Ellis did and <em>her</em> mind dared to wander to the possibility that the man’s new status as ‘daddy’ had somehow pushed him over the edge. All throughout Sara’s pregnancy, Neal had been nothing but loving and caring and so very excited at the prospect of becoming a dad. But Neal was Neal and perhaps the reality of the situation had simply been too much for him to handle. El knew how he’d struggled when they’d first found out about Sara’s delicate condition. The pregnancy had been unplanned and Neal had thought long and hard before finally convincing Sara of his unwavering commitment to being there to parent this child alongside her. </p>
<p>He’d become more and more devoted as the pregnancy evolved and three weeks ago, as his emotions hit a fever pitch, he’d proposed to Sara, realizing <em>this</em> was the life he wanted more than anything. Over the past few weeks as they awaited the blessed event, he’d seemed happier than she’d ever seen him. He’d doted on Sara and talked endlessly about the baby’s arrival and he was nothing but thrilled about the upcoming birth. </p>
<p>Sara was having similar thoughts, afraid to voice them for fear they might come true. There had been no sign that Neal was feeling overwhelmed by Hope’s arrival. After he’d finally convinced her of his unwavering commitment to being there for her and the baby, she’d taken a leap of faith and over the past eight months, Neal had not let her down once, committed to every step of their journey to parenthood. He’d been amazing throughout the labour, keeping Sara’s spirits up and the look in his eyes as Hope had finally come into the world had been enough to reassure her that they had made the right decision. They were a family now.</p>
<p>No, she thought, Neal would never do this to her or the baby. There had to be another explanation she reflected as she stared down at Hope fussing in her arms.</p>
<p>‘It’s okay, sweetheart’ she murmured. ‘Daddy will be here soon.’</p>
<p>Elizabeth smiled tentatively, hoping Sara was right and that Neal would come walking through that door any minute.</p>
<p>
  <strong>March 27<sup>th</sup>, 7:03 p.m.</strong>
</p>
<p>The building looked abandoned although, from the street, Peter could see some light shining from a third floor window. He began the long climb up the creeky outdoor stairwell, unsure exactly where he was headed. Strange city, strange building; all he knew was that the flashing dot had led him to this place and for whatever reason he had yet to comprehend, Neal – or at least his anklet – was nearby. </p>
<p>The ninety minute drive had been tedious considering he hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before.His goddaughter’s arrival in the early morning hours had left them all excited – and exhausted – andhe’d somehow managed to drag himself to the office at the usual time despite having had a mere two hours sleep. </p>
<p>He’d been relieved to see how Neal had handled things over the past year as his relationship with Sara had deepened and grown more serious. He recalled the look of pure joy on Neal’s face, less than twenty-four hours earlier as he’d stepped into the nearby waiting room, inviting everyone into Sara’s hospital room to meet their daughter. Peter had known Neal Caffrey for years now and he’d observed the changes in him as the younger man had begun to finally trust in himself and his instincts. He’d been thrilled to see Neal and Sara settle into a warm and loving relationship as they awaited their daughter’s arrival. Neal’s proposal to his girlfriend had been unexpected in some ways yet it all made perfect sense. With the unexpected pregnancy, he’d finally realized that maybe he <em>could</em> have the life he’d always thought was out of reach and Peter had watched in delight as his CI grew to finally come into his own. Hope’s arrival had been the icing on the cake and now, he wondered if all that happiness wasn’t just too much for a man who had doubts as to whether or not he <em>deserved</em> to be happy.</p>
<p>Peter arrived in front of a battered wooden door and stopped to listen, hearing some muffled voices coming from inside as he stepped up, resolutely knocking as he called out.</p>
<p>‘Neal! Are you in there?’ he shouted as he knocked more insistently a second time.</p>
<p>The door opened and there he stood, in an undershirt and a pair of khakis, looking haggard, his eyes red and his hair hanging in his eyes.</p>
<p>‘Hi Peter’ Neal said simply.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>March 27</b>
  <b>
    <sup>th</sup>
  </b>
  <b>, 8:30 a.m.</b>
</p>
<p>The soft gurgling sound stirred Neal from his restless sleep and it took him a few seconds to remember where he was and what he was doing there. His eyes opened to find he was lying in very close quarters with his arms snugly around Sara, her back to him as she snoozed. He lifted his head, peaking over his fiancée’s shoulder and was instantly drawn back to his amazing new reality as he caught a glimpse of his newborn daughter in her bassinet, tiny arms and legs squirming as the sounds she was making grew louder. He disengaged himself from Sara and careful not to wake her, he gingerly stepped off the narrow hospital bed to make his way over to little Hope whose cooing sounds had begun to intensify.</p>
<p>‘Hey sweetheart’ he whispered as he expertly picked her up to cradle her in his arms.</p>
<p>His soft, calming voice seemed to have the desired effect and she stilled in his arms as he walked her over to a far corner of the birthing room where he carefully settled in the large rocking chair.</p>
<p>‘You don’t want to wake Mommy’ he continued, his voice soft. ‘She’s tired and she needs to rest. How come you’re awake, huh?’</p>
<p>Although he was half conscious himself, the reality of her presence and her warm, tiny body against his chest made everything all too real as he thought back to the night before and how she’d finally arrived after almost ten hours of labour. He glanced over to Sara’s sleeping form. She looked so peaceful after the ordeal she’d come through. He hadn’t thought it possible to love her anymore than he had before but seeing her give birth to this amazing human being had elevated her to rock star status in his mind and he smiled at the sight of her finally pain free and calmly snoozing. </p>
<p>‘Do you need your diaper changed?’ he asked, his voice barely a whisper.</p>
<p>With one hand, he skillfully opened up the soft blanket in which Hope was swaddled and undid one of the snaps on his baby daughter’s sleeper, carefully slipping in one finger to test the inside of the tiny diaper, noticing it was damp. He hadn’t yet had the opportunity to change her but he’d practiced plenty of times at their prenatal classes and he felt equal to the task as he stood to make his way over to the small supply of diapers tucked away under the bassinet. He started on his mission to make Hope more comfortable, doing his best not to wake Sara in the process.</p>
<p>The baby squawked when he lay her down, seemingly missing the reassuring feel of her daddy’s arms but the sound of his soothing voice seemed to help her cope with the sudden loss of physical closeness.</p>
<p>‘There, there’ Neal murmured ‘...that’s going to feel a lot better, isn’t it sweet pea?’</p>
<p>He made quick work of getting rid of the damp diaper and he worked rapidly to replace it with a clean one, using the wet naps to gently wipe her tiny little bum and again to clean his hands. He wrapped her lovingly in a clean receiving blanket, making sure to tuck her in nice and tight, just like he’d been taught. Newborns who had just left the womb needed to feel safe and secure and Neal swaddled her lovingly in the soft blanket, making sure she was snug as he prepared to take her in his arms.</p>
<p>Her eyes unfocussed, she seemed to be searching for the source of the soft reassuring voice and when he finally reached down to pick her up again, her tense muscles relaxed as she felt his strong arms envelop her.</p>
<p>Neal cooed as he made his way back over to the rocking chair and to that gentle back and forth motion she already seemed to enjoy. He saw her eyes begin to close, her body relaxing. The change in position caused her eyes to flutter open and she let out a small, breathy sound as Neal began to rock her gently, his voice murmuring sweet nothings. The sound seemed to reassure her and her eyes closed again, more resolutely this time, and Neal began to sing softly, his voice raspy and slightly unsteady as he continued to gaze lovingly at his newborn daughter.</p>
<p>‘You’re a natural’ Neal heard as his eyes moved from the treasure in his arms to her mom, who was perched up on an elbow looking over at them.</p>
<p>‘Hey’ Neal answered with a smile. ‘I was trying not to wake you.’</p>
<p>‘Well, this is better than any dream I could be having...’ she said, her voice hoarse and full of sleep.</p>
<p>Neal stood to make his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge as Sara’s eyes went from his to the beautiful infant who was now sound asleep. She let out a sigh, a combination of blissful satisfaction and amazement as she continued to stare.</p>
<p>‘I can’t believe she’s finally here’ she said, running her hand lovingly on her soft head of hair. </p>
<p>Neal grinned as he watched the exchange between mother and daughter. As much as Sara had worried about not being up to the task, he could see the love and awe in her face, erasing any doubts she might have had about her ability to be a loving and caring mom. His eyes returned to Hope, noting the full head of dark hair, the tiny features which were reminiscent of both her parents, and the way in which she was breathing softly, without a care in the world. Her mouth, heart-shaped, sucked in small, regular breaths, her tiny fists closed and tucked in close to her body. She had Neal’s colouring, there was no doubt about that, but she also had the shape of Sara’s face – an odd mixture of the two of them – but most of all, she was her own person and not a carbon copy of either one of them.</p>
<p>‘She’s so small...’ Neal reflected.</p>
<p>Of all the realizations since her arrival, the most overwhelming for the new dad was the sheer innocence and vulnerability of the tiny human being. She was totally at their mercy and his sudden awareness that she needed them for absolutely <em>everything</em> was a daunting thought.</p>
<p>‘You look exhausted sweetie’ Sara finally said as she took in his features, his hair disheveled, his eyes still small from lack of sleep.</p>
<p>‘I’m on too much of a high to be tired’ he replied, his eyes never leaving his daughter’s face.</p>
<p>‘Still, if all goes well, they’ll probably be sending us home tomorrow and we should try to get some sleep while we can. Once we get home, we’re on our own’ she said, the voice of reason.</p>
<p>Neal just stared at the infant and shook his head. ‘No, I’m too excited to sleep.’</p>
<p>Sara put her hand on his arm, urging him to look away for a moment and finally, his eyes met hers as she spoke.</p>
<p>‘Listen to me, why don’t you go home just for a couple of hours. You could use a shower and a shave’ she said, gently touching his stubbly cheek. ‘The nurses will bring her to the nursery and I can get some sleep too. Just come back later and we can all be together.’</p>
<p>Although he hated to admit it, Neal thought a shower and a couple of hours of sleep sounded wonderful after their long night of labour and he looked into Sara’s eyes, mulling over her proposition.</p>
<p>‘I <em>could</em> be back in a couple of hours....’ he said, placing a kiss on Hope’s forehead.</p>
<p>‘Take your time, have a nap. We’ll be here when you get back’ Sara said reassuringly.</p>
<p>Neal smiled at the new mom, a big, sincere smile as he leaned in to kiss her, baby Hope snuggled safely between them.</p>
<p>‘You... are amazing’ he said simply. ‘Yesterday morning, when I left for work...’</p>
<p>He stopped, his voice unsteady, not quite sure how to explain what he was feeling.</p>
<p>‘I just never thought I could love you more than I did before... but after last night, I... it’s like ‘love’ isn’t a strong enough word anymore’ he finally blurted out, his voice full of emotion.</p>
<p>‘Neal...’ Sara breathed as she felt her eyes begin to fill with tears – damn hormones!</p>
<p>He shrugged, trying to keep his emotions in check. The last twenty-four hours had been a roller-coaster of emotions and combined with the lack of sleep, said emotions were difficult to control and manage and he swallowed hard to keep from getting too maudlin.</p>
<p>‘You’re the one who’s been amazing’ Sara said. ‘I could never have done this without you —’</p>
<p>‘Sure you could have. You are <em>so</em> much stronger than you realize’ he interrupted.</p>
<p>She looked into the eyes of this man, who drove her crazy in every possible way, and now, seeing him holding their newborn daughter, it was as if she was seeing him for the first time. He was caring and loving, that she already knew, but seeing him with this tiny baby in his arms made him all the more vulnerable and... sexy in some strange way. </p>
<p>‘Now, shoo’ she said, shaking off the over-sentimentality. ‘Give me our daughter and go get some rest.’</p>
<p>Once Sara had fed her and she’d been placed in her bassinet, Hope seemed to be off to a good solid nap and Neal accompanied the nurse as she returned the baby to the nursery, leaving Sara to her own well deserved slumber. He watched as the tiny bed was placed alongside the five other babies who’d been born in the last few days, noting with glee that Hope was by far the most beautiful of the group.He watched for several minutes and once he was reassured that the two ladies in his life were both sound asleep, he stepped out into the cool New York morning to make his way back home.</p>
<p>
  <b>March 27</b>
  <b>
    <sup>th</sup>
  </b>
  <b>, 10:35 a.m.</b>
</p>
<p>‘Moz! What are you doing here?’ Neal asked as he opened the door to his apartment and spotted his buddy sitting at the kitchen table.</p>
<p>Mozzie looked up, a glass of wine in his hand, as Neal gave him a disapproving look.</p>
<p>‘What? You know the old saying: <em>It’s noon some – ‘</em></p>
<p>‘Yeah, yeah, I know’ Neal interrupted.</p>
<p>Mozzie’s propensity for good wine at any time of the day or night had been a bone of contention between them for a long time but Mozzie was a grown up and Neal was not his keeper.</p>
<p>‘I figured you’d come home at some point and I just thought I’d hang around. So how’s mini-Sara this morning?’ he asked, trying to infuse some levity.</p>
<p>‘<em>Hope</em> is wonderful’ Neal answered dreamily as he began to take off his jacket and place it on the back of a chair.</p>
<p>‘Look, no offence, Moz but I came home for just a little while – to shower and have a nap...’ Neal added.</p>
<p>As hints went, that one was pretty direct but with Mozzie, being direct was a prerequisite – subtlety was not his strong suit.</p>
<p>‘All right, I’ll go sit with June for a while’ Mozzie said as he stood, taking his glass with him. ‘I’ll check in with you later.’</p>
<p>Within minutes, Neal was standing under the wonderfully soothing shower, a big grin still on his face as he thought of his new baby daughter. Although he’d had eight months to prepare for her arrival, it still seemed somehow unreal now that she was finally here. The feel of the hot water on his skin was amazing and he started to drift off into another, more relaxed, state of consciousness. He forced himself out of the wonderfully relaxing shower, dried himself off and headed straight for bed, grabbing a pair of sleep pants and settling in for a well deserved nap. </p>
<p>Hope’s innocent face was the last thing he remembered before he drifted off.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>March 27th, 1:07 p.m.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Please rise’ the judge said as the young woman reluctantly stood at her lawyer’s urging.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her dark, wavy hair framed her pale face, her empty blue eyes darting back towards her parents who sat in the courtroom, side by side. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘You’ve been charged with possession of class A drugs and breaking and entering. How do you plead?’ said the stern man with the gavel.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘My client pleads not guilty, Your Honour’ said the tall lean man standing next to Hope Ellis-Caffrey.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Neal and Sara sat nearby watching in shock as their daughter faced criminal charges for the second time in her short life.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘This is all </em>
  <b>
    <em>your</em>
  </b>
  <em> fault, Neal’ Sara spit at him, under her breath ‘She’s like this because of </em>
  <b>
    <em>you.</em>
  </b>
  <em>’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Neal looked down, totally dispossessed, knowing Sara was right about the reasons that had led their daughter to such impulsive, self-destructive behaviour. His criminal past, once he’d shared it with her, seemed to give her license to behave in such a reckless fashion – his failure to be the good role model he’d so wished he could be now staring him right in the face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He’d been unable to stay on the straight and narrow and, all her life, sixteen year old Hope had seen her dad run petty schemes with her uncle Mozzie as her mom tried desperately to keep her from sliding down that slippery slope into criminal behaviour. Neal had spent five years of her young life behind bars as Hope watched him continue to falter and fall prey to the inevitable attraction of life on the wrong side of the law. It was an exciting life and as young as twelve, she’d begun to get involved with the criminal element, stealing at school and successfully conning people around her – alienating all those who might have been a good influence on her, including her uncle Peter who’d tried so hard to bring her back from the brink. Sara had struggled, fighting against the inevitable consequences of Neal’s poor example and she knew without a doubt that his reckless behaviour was the source of all their daughter’s problems. Despite her good intentions, Sara hadn’t had the heart to completely cut him out of their daughter’s life and the young girl continued to idolize her dad; he was loving and caring and yet, he was a criminal and she wanted to be just like him.</em>
</p>
<p>Neal woke with a start, his breathing uneven as he slowly realized where he was – safe at June’s in his and Sara’s bed. He sat up, breathing hard as the dream came into focus, clear as can be, surely a foreboding of what was to come.</p>
<p>Who was he kidding? He wasn’t worthy of being someone’s dad! He felt the weight of the anklet on his left leg. Most of the time, he didn’t even feel it anymore, it’s presence a comfortable presence on his body, reminding him that he was still doing penance for all his past misdeeds. But on this day, it felt heavy and constrictive and a jarring reminder that he <em>was</em> indeed a criminal – and <em>always</em> would be.</p>
<p>He sat, perched on the edge of the bed, his pulse rapid as he absentmindedly ran his hands through his hair. His mind continued to replay the nightmare he’d just had. This would undoubtedly be the future for little Hope with a father like him. It certainly had been the case for him growing up and now it seemed like a foregone conclusion that he would never be able to escape his criminal tendencies and that, in the presence of such a negative role model, Hope would be compelled to do the same. </p>
<p>He recalled her tiny, innocent face as he’d held her that morning, a blank slate for everything he and Sara would eventually teach her throughout her young life. She was on the losing end of both sides of the nature/nurture debate: she had a biological father who was a criminal and if he continued to be a regular presence in her life, modelling criminal behaviour, his daughter would undoubtedly follow in his tracks. He momentarily thought of Sophia Montoya, the young woman he and Peter had arrested just days before. She couldn’t have been more than twenty-two years old, with her whole life ahead of her, and yet she was facing jail time and a lifetime of repercussions for the theft she’d carried out. That could easily be Hope if she was raised by a dad who played fast and loose with the law, something Neal had done his whole life. </p>
<p>Sitting on the edge of his bed with his mind reeling, Neal was suddenly riddled with doubt. Did he <em>really</em> think he would be able to control his criminal impulses for the rest of his life? Who was he kidding? What if he faltered and fell back into the life? The last few months, he’d been strong, focussed as he was on the future, on Hope’s arrival and more recently, on his planned wedding to the woman he now knew was the only one for him. But... staying clean for the rest of his life, despite his best intentions, seemed to be more than he could ever commit to and he looked down, noticing his hands were shaking at the thought.</p>
<p>When Sara had gotten pregnant, he’d struggled at length with the notion of commitment – commitment to raising a baby, commitment to standing united with Sara in parenthood. It had become clear to him, after a lot of soul searching that he wanted <em>that</em> more than anything and as time passed and Sara’s belly grew, he’d become more and more excited at the prospect of becoming a dad.The recent realization that he also wanted a commitment to Sara, had thrown him for a loop, he who been convinced that he could never have the kind of life he’d secretly dreamed of.</p>
<p>Now it seemed that Sara’s unconditional love had blinded him to the inevitable impact his past would have on their little girl as she grew up. Sara knew him inside and out, literally and figuratively. She knew all about his past misdeeds and yet, she’d been willing to turn the page and allow him – allow them – to make a go of it. Even more surprisingly, she seemed willing to accept the bad boy in him, that part of him that he fought to tame, the impulses he worked so hard to restrain.</p>
<p>Sara, and Peter before her, had somehow persuaded him that his kind and loving heart would be his salvation and they’d both put up with his occasional lapses in judgement. But his partner and his soon-to-be wife were both adults, capable of understanding the issues which had led him down the path to criminality and they’d both been able to understand those nuances, taking the good with the bad. </p>
<p>But Hope… she was just a baby, an impressionable, innocent little person who would take all of Neal’s crap as the god honest truth – contrary to her mom who could stand up to him when he was being ridiculously impulsive and reckless.</p>
<p>Now, sitting in his apartment, alone, he had to be painfully honest with himself and face the fact that he might never be able to control those damning impulses. After the revealing dream he was still reeling from, it was obvious that the consequences of this inability would be far-reaching for this little baby he loved more than life itself.</p>
<p>The door to the apartment opened and Mozzie reappeared, a glass of wine still firmly in his grasp.</p>
<p>‘Finally’ he said as he breezed in. ‘I thought you were going to sleep all day.’</p>
<p>Neal sat on the edge of the bed, still motionless as his wild eyes met Mozzie’s.</p>
<p>‘What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost’ Mozzie said as he came closer.</p>
<p>‘Yeah... the ghost of Christmas future’ Neal said in jest as his mind continued replaying the nightmare in a constant loop in his muddled brain.</p>
<p>Mozzie frowned at his friend’s strange response and Neal just shook his head, unwilling to provide any further details at this point.</p>
<p>‘Moz, I need to get out of here for a while...’ he began as he stood, suddenly resolute.</p>
<p>‘Aren’t you headed back to the hospital?’</p>
<p>‘No... not yet... I need to work something out’ Neal said, his voice unsteady.</p>
<p>‘Work <em>what</em> out?’ Mozzie answered, still not picking up on the weird vibe off his best buddy.</p>
<p>‘Moz, do you still have that safe house in Pennsylvania?’ Neal asked as he began to rummage for something to wear.</p>
<p>‘Yeah...’ the man stuttered, confused by the question</p>
<p>‘I just need to get away for a little while – can I use it?’ Neal asked as he began to throw some clothes on.</p>
<p>‘Neal, I have six other ones which are a lot closer. What about your anklet?’</p>
<p>Neal seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking. ‘I really don’t give a shit about my anklet right now. I just need to get away, drive for a while...’ he stopped suddenly, not ready to share his musings quite yet.</p>
<p>‘I could come along – ‘ Mozzie began before being cut off.</p>
<p>‘Thanks Moz, but I need to be alone’ Neal said as he put out his hand to take the key Mozzie was offering him. </p>
<p>‘Don’t... don’t say anything to Sara, okay? She’ll just worry’ Neal said. ‘And tell June I’m taking one of her cars’ he added as he headed for the door.</p>
<p>‘But – ‘ Mozzie began, unsure of what was happening or how to react.</p>
<p>‘Thanks Moz’ Neal said dismissively as he stepped outside onto the stair landing.</p>
<p>His mind was a total jumble of unformed thoughts and random feelings and he needed some time to work things out for himself before he could explain them to anyone else.All he knew was that he needed space and time to think things over. The stakes were much too high.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>‘Hi Ms Ellis’ the nurse said as she wheeled the bassinet into Sara’s hospital room. ‘I think your little one needs to nurse.’</p>
<p>Sara turned in the bed, momentarily confused as she went from blissful sleep to jarring wakefulness.She glanced at the time on her phone by the bedside noting it was already past lunch and realizing she’d slept for a solid three hours. She smiled at the sight of her daughter being wheeled in as the little one began to make small, whiny sounds making her needs known in no uncertain terms.</p>
<p>The new mom sat up in the bed suddenly aware that Neal hadn’t yet returned. She was glad he was taking the time to rest. They needed to tag team if they were going to keep up with what would likely be chopped up, short periods of sleep for the foreseeable future.</p>
<p>‘Have you seen Hope’s dad around’ she asked on the off-chance Neal had returned and was lurking nearby.</p>
<p>‘Not since this morning’ replied the nurse as she handed Sara her little bundle of joy.</p>
<p>Sara smiled as she opened her arms, preparing to breastfeed her daughter. Slowly but surely, she was starting to get the hang of it as well as the strange sensation of having Hope suckling on her breast.</p>
<p>‘Hello, sweet girl’ Sara cooed as the nurse helped set her up.</p>
<p>‘Do you need any help?’</p>
<p>‘No, I’ve got this’ Sara said as she settled the baby on her breast. ‘Oh, if you do see her daddy out there, can you let him know she’s awake?’</p>
<p>‘Sure thing. I’ll be back in a few minutes’ said the nurse, turning to leave.</p>
<p>Sara’s face relaxed as Hope settled, warm and safe in her mom’s arms.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>March 27</b>
  <b>
    <sup>th</sup>
  </b>
  <b>, 2:20 p.m.</b>
</p>
<p>The road to Flemington, Pennsylvania was peaceful and quiet on this cool March afternoon, just what Neal needed to try to make some sense of the jumbled thoughts competing for his attention. He knew that by leaving his radius, one of two things would happen: the Marshalls would show up to arrest him or Peter would eventually come looking for him. Either way, he didn’t care. He needed this time and space to figure things out. He was feeling caged, not so much by his new status as a dad but by the notion that he was still on the damn anklet, a constant reminder of his criminal past, something he would never be able to escape.</p>
<p>His heart spoke up, urging him to turn around and run back to the hospital, to the safety of Sara’s arms, to their beautiful newborn daughter who needed her daddy. His mind responded with a competing thought – he needed to think things through and stay away until he figured out what was best for the two people who meant the most to him. </p>
<p>He wasn’t thinking clearly, still reeling from the all consuming feelings of love and the overwhelming sense of responsibility he’d felt when Hope had entered the world. Watching Sara give birth had been an experience he would never forget, her body yielding to the new life that they’d created through their love for each other. </p>
<p>He’d had similar yet more muted emotions as he’d watched Sara’s belly grow over the past few months, aware that the baby was growing inside her and marvelling at how her body was changing in response. Sara had always been beautiful but pregnant she glowed as if the two of them shared a secret no one else in the world would ever get to experience. Watching Hope actually enter the world, however, had brought everything up a notch – it had been the most exhilarating experience of his life.This little person was whole unto herself, no longer a part of Sara’s body and suddenly that notion hit him like a ton of bricks. There was no longer any way to protect her from life’s inevitable sadness and sorrows no matter how hard they would try. She would become her own person in time and their job as parents was to keep her safe and secure while she discovered the world. </p>
<p>There were things that they <em>could </em>protect her from however he was starting to believe that he, Neal Caffrey, conman and criminal, might be one of those toxic ‘things’.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>Elizabeth Burke pulled into the multi-level parking garage at Lenox Hill Hospital and began to make her way inside. She was carrying a large stuffed panda bear, the first of what would be many more gifts for her new goddaughter whom she’d already fallen in love with. </p>
<p>It had been difficult for her to watch Sara and Neal during the first few months of pregnancy. They had fallen into this whole adventure quite by accident whereas she and Peter had longed for a baby for as long as she could remember. Life seemed unfair in that way. Early on, Sara had talked about terminating the pregnancy, unsure if Neal was truly ready to commit to such an enormous life changing experience. But the man had proven over the past few months that he was up to the challenge and El had enjoyed watching them both grow into their roles as expectant parents. Now, seeing the two of them interacting with the baby, all doubts were gone and all that was left was joy at welcoming this little one into the world and the excitement of having front row seats to watch her grow as the years went by. She and Peter had been thrilled to be asked to be Hope’s godparents and the previous night when Neal had introduced Hope Elizabeth Ellis-Caffrey to everyone, she’d grinned from ear to ear at the realization that she would always be a part of this little person’s life. </p>
<p>She made her way up to the maternity ward, taking a detour to see if the baby was in the nursery.</p>
<p>‘You’re here for Ms Ellis, aren’t you?’ asked the nurse who hovered nearby.</p>
<p>El nodded in response.</p>
<p>‘She’s got the baby in her room with her’ said the nurse pointing to the nearby room.</p>
<p>The sight that greeted Elizabeth as she stood in the doorway to Sara’s hospital room took her breath away.She watched in silence as Sara spoke to her daughter in a soft, loving voice she’d never heard the young woman use before – a well hidden side of the strident Ms Ellis which Elizabeth was just learning to discover. The baby made soft, cooing noises as she lay content in her mom’s arms and El fought back a tear as she finally stepped into the room, causing Sara to look up.</p>
<p>‘Hey Mom! How are you doing?’ she asked as she stepped in.</p>
<p>‘Oh, Hope, look it’s your Auntie Elizabeth and she’s spoiling you already’ Sara said with a laugh as she took in the large marsupial in El’s arms.</p>
<p>El made her way closer, her eyes drawn to the baby. She hadn’t held her since the night before, shortly after her birth, and she was looking forward to taking her in her arms. Sara saw the look in her friend’s eyes and without hesitation, offered up her daughter.</p>
<p>‘She might need her diaper changed’ said Sara looking down fondly at her daughter. ‘She just drank an awful lot.’</p>
<p>‘I can do that’ Elizabeth said without hesitation as she took the infant from her mom’s arms.</p>
<p>Hope was already starting to nod off now that she was satiated and El got a quick glimpse of her blue eyes before they closed, the baby letting out a contented sigh.</p>
<p>‘I thought I’d have to fight Neal off to hold her’ said El.</p>
<p>‘He went home to nap and change. He should be back anytime’ Sara said as she glanced at the time.</p>
<p>She grabbed her phone, calling Neal – now that she was coming to, she was craving a latte and when the call went to voicemail, she placed her order.</p>
<p>‘...oh, and don’t forget – low fat milk. I’ve got to get rid of this baby fat if I’m ever going to fit into a wedding dress’ she said as she ended the call.</p>
<p>‘So how did you sleep?’</p>
<p>‘Well, Neal and I fell asleep at around 4:30 after you all left and she slept for a good three hours. When I woke up, I found the two of them canoodling over there on the rocking chair’ Sara said fondly as she recalled hearing her husband singing softly to their daughter that morning.</p>
<p>Elizabeth smiled at the thought. Cool, unflappable Neal Caffrey going all goo-goo eyed over a baby – she loved the image.</p>
<p>‘He’s been incredible, hasn’t he?’ El asked, knowing full well the answer.</p>
<p>‘You have no idea’ answered Sara as she sat up. ‘He’s been my rock. You should have seen him when she was born. I like to think that I can do things to this man but... I’ve never seen him look like he did when he first laid eyes on her. He’s totally smitten. I think I’m going to have to fight hard to keep him from spoiling her rotten.’</p>
<p>Elizabeth looked down at her namesake, obviously in love herself.</p>
<p>‘It’s amazing isn’t it?One day you have a big belly and the next...’ she said, recalling the hours before arriving at the hospital when she’d been by her friend’s side.</p>
<p>Sara just nodded in agreement. Her thoughts returned to her baby daddy and she couldn’t help her next comment.</p>
<p>‘Well, Neal better get here soon. I’m surprised he’s taking so long...’ she said as an afterthought.</p>
<p>It had been a struggle to get him to leave in the first place and for him not to rush back seemed out of character for the brand new dad. Sara shook off the passing thought and returned to her friend.</p>
<p>
  <b>March 27th, 3:55 p.m.</b>
</p>
<p>By the time Neal pulled up to the old building that housed Mozzie’s safe house, it was almost 4:00.He knew Sara would be starting to worry by now and part of him wanted to reach out to her but frankly, he had no idea how he would explain his failure to return?</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Honey, I’m just holed up at one of Mozzie’s safe houses while I figure out if I’m more of help or a hindrance in raising our daughter for the next twenty years ...but don’t worry....’</em>
</p>
<p>Yeah, that would go over well. It was better to just take some time to work things out. Sooner or later Peter would come looking, of that Neal was certain. For now, the sheer physical distance he’d created between himself and his new family was essential if he was going to make the best rational decision for Hope... and for Sara.</p>
<p>If Sara raised their daughter on her own, he knew Hope would have a strong role model and that she would grow into a wonderful, strong young woman like her mom. The thought of a life without the two of them was unbearable and he took in a long, unsteady breath as he made his way up the building’s rickety staircase up to the third floor apartment he’d visited a couple of times before going to prison. He vaguely remembered the place and wondered in passing why Mozzie felt the need to have so many of these homes – surely a consequence of never having had a home of his own growing up. </p>
<p>The key (or keys since there were six locks) did the trick and within moments, Neal found himself in a well appointed flat, complete with a high tech security system. The place was decorated in a modern style — all of Mozzie’s homes had a theme — and he looked around at the chrome and glass surrounding him, marvelling once again at Mozzie’s tastes in home furnishings. Surprisingly, when he went to the fridge to see if there was anything to drink, he found it fully stocked with alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages as well as the staples necessary to prepare a great meal – something he had no interest in at the moment. Neal grabbed a glass of wine and made his way over to the huge white leather couch which dominated the wide open space.</p>
<p>What the hell was he doing there, he wondered, not for the first time as he tried to get his brain to shut off for just a moment. His body ached for Sara, for their baby girl and he let out a choked moan as his mind returned to overdrive once again.Planning a heist was easy – you got to know the weaknesses of your mark and you planned things step by step, making sure you had a sound contingency plan, followed by a second then a third.Compared to that, trying to sift through conflicting emotions when other people’s welfare was at stake was unbearably challenging and so heart wrenchingly personal. </p>
<p>Neal had often acted impulsively in his life and it usually got him into trouble (as Peter would so frequently point out). Going back to the hospital to Sara’s waiting arms would be just that – an impulsive, reckless move that met his immediate needs without a thought for what was best in the long run for her and little Hope. The issue with which he’d struggled when Sara had first gotten pregnant – could he commit to her and the baby? – wasn’t even on the table any more. He knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he wanted that, he wanted it so badly, it hurt. </p>
<p>This struggle was about believing in himself enough to know, in no uncertain terms, that he could refrain from the temptation of criminal life. He had never done particularly well in that regard. The allure and attraction of ‘the life’ had been irresistible for so many years and he still struggled on a daily basis with doing the right thing. He’d spent most of his life, hiding his true feelings from the world and from himself and it was only in recent months, with Sara holding a mirror up to his face, that he’d been capable of being truly honest with himself, of understanding what he really wanted and the price he was prepared to pay to get it.</p>
<p><em>‘You’re a criminal Neal. That’s all you’ll ever be’</em> he heard the voice say in his head. <em>‘Whatever made you think you deserved to be anything else?</em></p>
<p>He stood to look at himself in the large mirror in the living space, searching his eyes for the truth, forcing himself to look deep into his soul. The battle raged on in his muddled mind.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>March 27th, 5:38 p.m.</b>
</p>
<p>He wasn’t quite sure how it happened but Neal had somehow managed to nod off on Mozzie’s buttery soft couch when he heard the door open, sending the remainder of the contents of the wine glass which was perched precariously on his stomach cascading down the front of his shirt.</p>
<p>He was up like a shot, coming to instantly as he braced himself for the intruder’s arrival. </p>
<p>‘Moz!’ he shouted, his heart beating wildly in his chest as the door opened, revealing the little man standing there.</p>
<p>Mozzie watched helplessly as the wine glass Neal had been holding tumbled to the ground, shattering on the hard wood floor.</p>
<p>‘Careful!’ he called out. ‘That’s Wedgewood crystal!’</p>
<p>‘What are you <em>doing</em> here Moz? I told you I needed some time alone.’</p>
<p>‘Well, I gave you a full hour head start...’ Mozzie muttered as he made his way over to where Neal stood and started to clean up the mess at his feet.</p>
<p>‘From what I can see, you’ve had more than enough time alone!’</p>
<p>Neal rolled his eyes; Mozzie had never been very good at taking no for an answer.</p>
<p>‘Look, whatever <em>this</em> is, it’s time you went home to Sara... and Hope’ Mozzie said authoritatively.</p>
<p>Neal let himself fall onto the couch with a painful sigh. ‘I wish it was that simple, Moz’ he moaned.</p>
<p>‘Do you love her?’ Mozzie asked, interrogation style.</p>
<p>‘Yes, of course I do’ Neal answered without hesitation.</p>
<p>‘And what about the baby?’</p>
<p>‘God, yes!’ Neal replied, his voice resolute. ‘She’s… she’s amazing.’</p>
<p>‘Well, then it’s <em>that</em> simple’ Mozzie retorted without missing a beat.</p>
<p>‘Who <em>are</em> you?’ Neal asked, staring down his usually cynical friend. ‘You’re the one who’s always telling me that happily ever after isn’t for guys like us.’</p>
<p>‘Well, I reserve the right to be wrong... just this once’ he muttered as he settled into the armchair across from his partner in crime.</p>
<p>Neal sat, shaking his head as the events of the past twenty-four hours came flooding back.</p>
<p>‘I thought you got over all that... <em>commitment phobia</em> months ago. If not, you’ve been doing a great job faking it since little Miss Repo got pregnant.’</p>
<p>‘I haven’t been <em>faking</em> it. And this isn’t about the commitment... I’m in, all the way. This is... something else’ Neal said as he tried to put into words what he’d been feeling since earlier in the day.</p>
<p>As much as he’d convinced himself he needed time to think, away from any and all distractions, he realized it felt good to finally talk to someone about how he was feeling. There <em>was</em> such a thing as too much introspection and after a while, the same old unproductive thoughts just continued to run around your mind like a hamster in a wheel.</p>
<p>‘Moz, what if I can’t leave <em>the life</em> behind? What if I’ve been kidding myself that I can really walk away? Sara… she’s an adult, she can deal but Hope... she’s just a baby.’</p>
<p>Mozzie leaned in to listen. In his eyes, Neal was the guy who never had any doubts – he was confident and decisive albeit impulsive and reckless at times. Seeing him paralyzed with such irrational fears was an unusual and unwelcome sight. He watched as Neal fidgeted, finally standing and beginning to pace up and down the narrow room.</p>
<p>‘I can’t be responsible for her following in my footsteps someday...’ Neal said, his eyes sad.</p>
<p>‘Neal…’ Mozzie interrupted. ‘I really think you’re over thinking this. To my chagrin, you’ve been a model citizen ever since Sara got pregnant.’</p>
<p>‘That’s just it Moz, it… it’s still a struggle. Every single day. Every time you talk to me about some hare-brained scheme of yours, I still get all... pumped’ Neal admitted as much to himself as to his friend.</p>
<p>Mozzie raised his eyebrows in response. Over the past few months, he’d refrained from coaxing Neal into getting involved in his scatterbrain plots and ploys. Sara had been pretty good about turning a blind eye as long as it didn’t land her boyfriend back in jail but she’d made it perfectly clear where she drew the line. Truth was, Mozzie missed the old days working with Neal, the best partner he’d ever had and yet, seeing how happy Neal was these days was giving him reason to pause.</p>
<p>‘I have this message playing over and over in a loop in my brain: <em>once a criminal, always a criminal</em>’ Neal blurted out.</p>
<p>Mozzie was at a loss for words. He shared Neal’s view that the conman’s life was a lifelong sentence yet, he knew Sara and the baby’s impending arrival had had a deep impact on his buddy. A positive impact. He had to tread lightly with anything he said while Neal was in such a vulnerable state and he decided to change the subject instead of responding directly to his buddy’s last comment.</p>
<p>‘Take that shirt off before the wine stain sets in’ he said, pointing to the dark red stain forming on the front of Neal’s shirt. ‘I’ll rinse it out for you.’</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>‘He’s either lying in a gutter somewhere or... if he isn’t, I’m going to kill him’ Sara said as she sat up in bed, anger rising in her voice.</p>
<p>‘Peter will call soon. Try to stay calm Sara, you’re still recovering from a long labour...’ Elizabeth began, half heartedly. ‘You don’t want to upset the baby.’</p>
<p>Despite wanting to believe the best of Neal, El was starting to suspect that he’d gone AWOL after realizing the enormity of the responsibility that was parenthood.As much as Neal had been excited about Hope’s arrival, maybe actually holding her in his arms had been too much for the conman.</p>
<p>‘I know Neal, Elizabeth. He was thrilled about Hope and nobody put a gun to his head when he proposed to me three weeks ago. Something must have happened to freak him out.’</p>
<p>Elizabeth listened, just as confused as her friend was. She checked her watch once again, noting it was coming on to 7:00 and it was getting dark outside. Wherever Neal was and whatever he was doing, she hoped it wasn’t irrevocable and that it wouldn’t land him back in the slammer.</p>
<p>‘And you’re sure he didn’t say anything before he left?’ she asked, playing detective.</p>
<p>Sara gave her friend a deathly stare. ‘I told you... I practically had to push him out the door. He didn’t want to leave... and the way he looked at Hope. He’s her dad and I could tell he had absolutely no regrets’ Sara said, now returning to worry mode.</p>
<p>‘That’s why this doesn’t make any sense’ she added.</p>
<p>Elizabeth Burke bit her lip, riding the wave between alarm and reassurance and gave Sara Ellis’ hand an encouraging squeeze.</p>
<p>
  <b>March 27th, 7:03 p.m.</b>
</p>
<p>They two men sat in silence, Mozzie trying to find the right words to say and Neal ruminating over his fate. The silence was broken by an abrupt knock on the door and they exchanged worried glances. Neal knew that whoever was on the other side of the door was coming for him and he braced himself in case it was the Marshalls packing heat... and handcuffs. He put out his hand, urging Mozzie to stay put and was making his way to the door when he heard the familiar voice.</p>
<p>‘Neal! Are you in there?’</p>
<p>Neal braced himself as he open the door. ‘Hi Peter’ he said as he stood there in his undershirt, looking like a lost soul.</p>
<p>‘Damn it, Neal! What the hell is going on?’ Peter said as he stormed in, not bothering to wait for an invitation.</p>
<p>He spotted Mozzie sitting there and his face changed from concern to anger.</p>
<p>‘What the hell is this? Are you two on the lam?’ he blurted out, angry.</p>
<p>‘Hum, Peter’ Neal said as he raised the edge of his pants to show him the blinking red light. ‘Do you really think I’d be waiting here with this thing still on my leg if we were on the run?’</p>
<p>‘Then you’d better have a damn good explanation for dragging me all the way to ... Lemington – ‘ Peter blurted out, flustered.</p>
<p>‘It’s <em>Flemington</em>’ Mozzie corrected, his finger raised. ‘And I’ll have you know they have a wonderful summer jazz festival here.’</p>
<p>Peter glared at Mozzie – not helping, he thought.</p>
<p>‘Neal, everybody’s worried sick about you not the least of which is your soon to be wife, you remember her, don’t you – gorgeous redhead who gave birth to your baby daughter last night’ Peter said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.</p>
<p>Neal’s eyes dropped in shame at the pain he was causing everyone with his existential crisis. Peter continued staring him down as he wagged his finger dangerously close to Neal’s face.</p>
<p>‘Now you listen to me, I’m calling my wife to reassure her you haven’t driven off the Brooklyn Bridge and then, <em>you</em> are going to tell me exactly what the hell is going on here.’</p>
<p>Peter took a few steps away from the two men and Neal could hear him muttering into his phone briefly. He could only imagine what might be going on at the other end. No doubt Elizabeth was with Sara in her hospital room and he could picture Sara’s worry dissolving into pure unadulterated anger and disappointment as she heard the news that Neal was alive and well but not where he should be — which was with his new family.</p>
<p>‘All right’ Peter said, turning to face the runaway. 'I’ve put El and Sara out of their misery although I wouldn’t put it past Sara to put a bounty out on your head for the crazy ass stunt you just pulled. Now you better have a damn good explanation’ he spit out, barely containing his fury.</p>
<p>Mozzie glanced around the room furtively, looking for an opportunity to make a hasty exit. He really didn’t want to be there to witness Neal being raked over the coals by his handler.</p>
<p>‘I... I’m going to... go across the street and pick us up something to eat’ he said as he made his way to the door as quickly as his legs could carry him. ‘I’ll be back... or maybe not’ he added as he saw the look on Peter’s face.</p>
<p>The door closed and Peter and Neal faced off – one man livid and the other one riddled with guilt.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>‘Well, what else did he say?’ Sara asked as she held Hope, trying not to pass on her negative emotions to her daughter.</p>
<p>El looked at her, hesitant to share the news. ‘Nothing much… He just wanted us to know that he found Neal and he’s all right.’</p>
<p>‘Did he say where they were?’ Sara asked, her voice growing louder.</p>
<p>Hope startled in her arms, her sleep interrupted by the sound of Sara’s angry voice and she let out a small cry as Sara began to hush her.</p>
<p>El just shook her head in response.</p>
<p>‘Damn him!’ Sara said, trying her best to modulate her voice. ‘Is this what it’s going to be like with Neal? Because, I didn’t sign up for this.’</p>
<p>‘Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt –‘ El began before Sara cut her off.</p>
<p>‘The benefit of the doubt? Really? Like I haven’t done that enough since I’ve known Neal Caffrey’ Sara said, her voice bitter.</p>
<p>The hurt which had been hiding right underneath the anger spilled out along with a few wayward tears as Sara pulled Hope in closer to her chest.</p>
<p>‘I thought we worked all this out – when I first got pregnant’ she said sadly.</p>
<p>‘I know one thing for sure. No matter what’s happened, Neal loves you.’</p>
<p>Sara stared back, daggers in her eyes. ’Well, he has a very strange way of showing it.’</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter Burke took a seat across from his wayward CI and began to resume normal breathing. Ever since he’d seen the flashing red dot on his office computer screen that afternoon, he’d been functioning on pure adrenaline. Now that he knew Neal was safe and that he wasn’t on the run (at least not from the FBI), his emotions had gone from anger and disappointment to plain old curiosity and concern for the man sitting in front of him. </p>
<p>Neal stared ahead, finally coming to the realization that his little runner might not have been the best strategy for what ailed him. He waited patiently for the tongue lashing that was undoubtedly coming from his handler. Generally speaking, he hated Peter’s holier-than-thou attitude but he had to admit (not to Peter, of course) that his partner often raised valid points he had somehow missed in his haste to act impulsively. Over the past four years, he’d begun to count on Peter for that reality check and although he would always take Peter’s ‘by the book’ vision of the world with a grain of salt, it still helped him balance his recklessness.</p>
<p>He glanced up at Peter, waiting for some miraculous words of wisdom that would help him make sense of the events of the past twenty-four hours.</p>
<p>‘Start at the beginning’ Peter said, with a calm voice that belied his mixed feelings. ‘And don’t leave anything out.’</p>
<p>Neal took a deep breath. Now that he was being forced to synthesize all that had been happening in his overactive imagination, he was at a loss for words.</p>
<p>‘I just... freaked out’ he admitted, his voice quiet.</p>
<p>Peter searched his eyes as he thought back to the events of the past year. There was no way that what he’d witnessed between Neal and Sara over the past few months was a sham, a con. He’d seen his CI’s metamorphosis from crafty conman - always playing some angle - to eager expectant dad as his focus turned almost exclusively to the arrival of the new baby. Neal had bored him to tears with his daily progress reports on Sara’s pregnancy: the size of the baby, its attributes, Sara’s swollen ankles and her overactive sexual appetite. On a couple of occasions when the couples were having dinner together, he’d watched as Neal lovingly rubbed Sara’s ankles and in moments of sheer, unguarded tenderness, he’d watched Neal lay his head in her lap with his face snuggled up to her belly while he sang to the baby, to everyone else’s (but Sara’s) embarrassment. </p>
<p>To see him filled with anguish and doubt now that Hope was finally here made absolutely no sense.</p>
<p>‘What is it Neal? Is the idea of being a dad just too much for you?’ he asked, trying to kick start the conversation.</p>
<p>‘No, no!’ came Neal’s insistent response. ‘That’s not it at all. It’s... me, I...’</p>
<p>Peter sat there patiently, waiting for ‘Mr. Silvertongue’ to put two coherent sentences together – something that was not usually a problem for the ex conman. After a moment, Neal refocused and spoke.</p>
<p>‘Peter, you’ve said it yourself – people don’t change overnight. I’m a criminal...’</p>
<p>‘Neal, you’re a reformed criminal – ‘ Peter corrected. </p>
<p>Neal interrupted, still agitated. ‘There’s no such thing as a reformed criminal no more than a reformed alcoholic. Peter, it’s a struggle every single day...’</p>
<p>‘But you’ve been doing great – did something happen? Are you in some kind of trouble?’</p>
<p>‘No, nothing like that. I just finally realized that, as excited as I am to be a dad... I... I could turn out to be a menace to my little girl’ Neal said, lowering his eyes.</p>
<p>Peter looked at him, puzzled.</p>
<p>‘A menace? What are you <em>talking</em> about?’ he asked. ‘I can see how much you love her.’</p>
<p>‘I do, that’s the whole point. What if I get myself into trouble again or... what if I land myself back in jail. Peter, I...’</p>
<p>He grew uncomfortable with what he was about to confess. ‘...I still get excited when I think about running a con or forging a piece. Just the thought of it gets my blood pumping’ he admitted as if this was a surprise to Peter.</p>
<p>‘I <em>know</em> that, Neal – and it’ll probably always be like that to a certain extent but it’ll get easier with time. Look, you’ve been doing great the last little while which proves to me that you can control your impulses.’</p>
<p>Neal looked into his partner’s eyes, trying to find solace in his words.</p>
<p>‘But I might not always... what if I can’t control myself. I just can’t do that to Hope and Sara. Sara would be so disappointed in me... and Hope, well, I <em>have</em> to be a good role model if I’m going to be in her life’ Neal said. ‘I can’t promise that I’ll always be up to that standard.’ </p>
<p>It was all coming out in a blur of words and emotions and Neal’s shoulders began to relax in direct proportion to his verbal tirade. Without taking a breath, he continued. </p>
<p>‘And then, someday, she’ll find out about my past and she’ll know who I really am...’</p>
<p>Peter let out a long slow breath as he realized what Neal had been struggling with and the reason for his sudden disappearance.</p>
<p>‘Neal, everybody has a past... you’ll be off anklet in another seven months. Hope will grow up and see you for who you are, her loving dad. She won’t care about what you did in your indiscriminate youth.'</p>
<p>Neal was only half listening, focussed on what he’d been wanting to ask Peter.</p>
<p>‘I’ve been wondering if... do you think you could get the rest of my sentence transferred over to D.C.? I could serve out my time there... I just think it would be too hard on all of us if I stayed in New York’ he said, forlorn.</p>
<p>The idea had been running around his mind all day - if he wanted to stay away from Hope and not be a bad influence in her life, Neal knew he’d have to be far away. He would never have the willpower to stay away from her if he stayed in New York.</p>
<p>‘What are you <em>talking </em>about?’ Peter interjected – leave it to Neal to come up with the most outlandish solutions. ‘Would you listen to yourself. You’re talking crazy.’</p>
<p>Both men stopped talking and just stared at each other. Peter needed to break through Neal’s mindset and he decided the best tactic was a direct approach.</p>
<p>‘Neal, do you love Sara?’ he asked, knowing full well the answer.</p>
<p>‘You know I do’ Neal replied sadly.</p>
<p>‘And the baby?’</p>
<p>Neal let out a sound that sounded like some wounded animal before catching his breath. ‘Why do you think I’m doing this? I love her too much to subject her to a dad who might lead her down the path to... a life of crime.’</p>
<p>‘Neal, we’ve been through this before. Life is about choices - ’</p>
<p>‘That’s just it Peter. Maybe, I’m doomed to a life of crime. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice.’</p>
<p>‘Of course it is. What’s more important to you – a life of crime or the life you could have with Sara and Hope?’ Peter asked.</p>
<p>‘That’s a no-brainer - I want a life with them more than I ever imagined I would’ Neal said, finally hearing his own words.</p>
<p>‘Then, why don’t you cut yourself a little slack and start to trust yourself. Sara has. She said yes to your marriage proposal and she had enough faith in you to have this baby... your baby’ Peter said, not breaking eye contact.</p>
<p>Peter watched as Neal faltered, beginning to come around to his point of view.</p>
<p>‘What?’ Peter continued. ‘Suddenly, you’re afraid things might get a little tough and you want to bail?Neal, I’ve seen you stare down the barrel of a gun, I watched you jump out of a fourth story window, you base jumped off a building for chrissakes. You’ve put yourself in danger time and time again to help others.’ </p>
<p>‘That was different...’ said Neal, shaking his head.</p>
<p>‘You’re wrong. It’s about the man you are deep inside, the one who’d do anything for the people he loves. Neal, it’s about you choosing to do the right thing – which you’ve proven you can do over and over again.’</p>
<p>Peter could see he was starting to get through to him so he plowed on.</p>
<p>‘Neal, we’ve had this discussion so many times… it’s all about giving up something you want so you can have something you want even more. And now, you’re the only one who can decide what it is <em>you</em> want more. Is it to go back to the life?’</p>
<p>‘No!’ Neal said adamantly. ‘It isn’t.’</p>
<p>‘Then cowboy up, buddy. Take the plunge. We’ll all be there to help you stay on the straight and narrow’ he said, before adding with a smile. ‘This is my goddaughter we’re talking about here and you can be damn sure I’ll be on your case if you start to step out of line.’</p>
<p>Neal let out a nervous laugh. He had no doubt Peter could play the role of enforcer better than anyone and suddenly the idea that he wouldn’t be on his own to fight his demons was a reassuring one. He thought of Sara in her hospital bed, waiting for word and realized he’d been a fool not to give himself and their new family the benefit of the doubt.</p>
<p>‘I’ve been stupid –‘ he said, coming to his senses.</p>
<p>Peter shrugged. ’Just impulsive... but we’re used to it.’</p>
<p>‘Sara’s gonna kill me’ Neal said as he realized the full consequences of his actions.</p>
<p>‘Would you blame her? You’re on your own with that one, buddy. I’ve got enough of <em>my</em> wife to deal with’ Peter said as he stood and put a hand on Neal’s shoulder in solidarity.</p>
<p>Neal’s mind was finally starting to quiet down from all the negative self-talk and irrational worries that had been swirling in his brain for the past few hours. If he came clean to Sara about how he was feeling and asked for her help, maybe he could have the life he really wanted. </p>
<p>‘Come on. I’ll drive you back and we can come back for June’s car tomorrow’ Peter said.</p>
<p>Neal nodded as he stood. ‘Thanks Peter. Do you mind waiting for me downstairs? I need to call Sara first’ he said as he pulled out his phone.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he needed to hear her voice and he just couldn’t wait until he got there in person to talk to her.</p>
<p>‘I’ll be in the car’ Peter said.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>‘I’ll take her back to the nursery’ Elizabeth said as she took Hope from Sara’s arms and put her back in her bassinet.</p>
<p>‘Okay’ Sara said softly as she kissed her baby’s forehead.</p>
<p>Except for Peter’s brief message that he was safe, it was going on twelve hours since she’d heard anything from Neal. She thought back to the long discussions they’d had when she’d first found out she was pregnant, a most unexpected situation for both of them. She had all but decided to terminate the pregnancy but Neal had made a compelling argument for them to have the baby and raise her together. He’d done a lot of soul searching before coming to the realization that he was ready to commit to the baby and she’d known without the shadow of a doubt that she could count on him to help raise their little girl. </p>
<p>His actions over the past eight months had spoken volumes and even though Neal would never be a model citizen, Sara had seen the lengths he’d been prepared to go to in order to be by her side – every step of the way. He’d been her one-man cheering section all through her pregnancy, sometimes to a fault as he bored anyone who would listen with the minute details of the growing baby, and she’d begun to feel safe and secure with Neal around. </p>
<p>What could have possibly happened after he left that morning to change all that? The thought that he would somehow not be there by her side was just too much to bear and she let out a sob just as her phone vibrated on the bedside table. </p>
<p>Her eyes widened as she took in the image on the screen.</p>
<p>‘Neal!’ she answered breathlessly.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter sat in the car, waiting patiently for Neal to emerge from the building. He looked across the street to the local fast food place. Mozzie seemed to have vanished into thin air as only Mozzie could. Peter thought of Neal’s confession and his farfetched solution to his dilemma – finishing out his time in D.C . Only Neal would go to such extremes to resolve a problem. His CI drove him crazy at the best of times but he had to admit he had developed a sincere fondness for the man. It was impossible not to fall for Neal Caffrey’s charm and even a hardened law man like Peter Burke wasn’t totally immune to the conman’s undeniable magnetism. Of course, Neal’s charms weren’t limited to his smile and cocky walk, there was honest, sincere emotion under that charismatic exterior and, as time passed, Peter could see more and more of the real Neal Caffrey peeking out from under the persistent veneer.Of course, Sara Ellis had a lot to do with that and, apparently, her unplanned pregnancy had been the catalyst the conman had needed to get in touch with his true feelings and dare to let them show.</p>
<p>Peter watched as Neal ambled over to the car with his head held not quite as high as it usually was and that annoying swagger of his missing in action. The car door opened and Neal settled in next to his partner, letting out a long slow gush of air.</p>
<p>‘How did it go?’ Peter asked as he turned to take in the sight of Neal.</p>
<p>Neal just looked over and cocked his eyebrows in response. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out he’d just been raked over the coals.</p>
<p>‘She’s mad, huh?’ he continued.</p>
<p>‘Let’s just say, I’m hoping the hour and a half drive to the hospital will give her the time she needs to calm down’ Neal admitted. ‘I did hear a little bit of relief in her voice so I’m going to hold on to that.’</p>
<p>Peter started the car and pointed it out of Flemington, Pennsylvania and towards Manhattan as Neal settled in beside him.</p>
<p>‘You never did tell me, what happened to kick start this whole thing. Was it holding Hope in your arms?’ Peter asked, curious.</p>
<p>‘No’ Neal said with a sad smile as he thought of his baby daughter in his arms that morning. She was so perfect in every way and he hadn’t been able to take his eyes off of her as she lay there sleeping.</p>
<p>Now that things were clearer, he was almost embarrassed to admit that this whole existential crisis had come about as the result of the dream he’d had.</p>
<p>‘I dreamt that Hope had gotten into trouble with the law and that it was because of the poor example I’d set. I’d ruined my marriage to Sara and I’d landed myself back in jail...’ Neal said, his voice trailing.</p>
<p>‘Whoa! That’s pretty heavy’ Peter admitted.</p>
<p>‘You know, ever since we arrested Sophia Montoya last week, I’ve been imagining Hope getting into trouble someday and I’ve been worried that I could be a poor influence on her.’</p>
<p>‘Neal, you’ve got to have faith in yourself. Sara does and... well, I do too’ he admitted rather reluctantly.</p>
<p>‘Why Peter! Where is all this coming from?’ Neal answered with his usual Caffrey cockiness firmly back in place.</p>
<p>‘Well, you’ve come a long way. Look at what you did to save Lindsey Gless, you put yourself in real danger with Wilkes to rescue her– and what about Katherine McMillan and her adopted son. Neal, you’ve got a good heart and you have to stop trying to hide it.’</p>
<p>Neal let out a muffled laugh. ‘Well, I <em>can’t</em> hide it when it comes to Hope ... or Sara - even if I tried’ he admitted.</p>
<p>‘Well, believe it or not, that’s not a bad thing, buddy’ Peter said as they turned onto the highway. ‘Not a bad thing at all.’</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>Sara lay in her hospital bed, her body shaking uncontrollably. Neal Caffrey did it to her every time. He drove her crazy with his impulsive and reckless behaviour and yet, he was endearing and loving and she couldn’t deny the relief she’d felt at hearing his voice on the phone, sounding so vulnerable. He was headed back to the hospital despite the fact that her last words to him had been along the lines of <em>‘Don’t bother showing up here, you no good son of a bitch!’ </em></p>
<p>Who was she kidding? She couldn’t wait to lay eyes on him, to look into those pools of blue and have him take her in his arms and tell her it had all been a terrible mistake. She shook her head and let out an audible grunt just as Elizabeth appeared in the doorway to her hospital room.</p>
<p>‘What happened, did you hear from him?’</p>
<p>‘Yes, I heard from him’ Sara said in her cold, insurance investigator voice.</p>
<p>Elizabeth took the chair by the bed and waited for more. Sara obviously needed a moment to collect her thoughts.</p>
<p>‘He’s on his way back’ she finally said with a sigh.</p>
<p>‘So, he’s all right?’ El asked searching her friend’s eyes.</p>
<p>‘Well, I don’t know how ‘all right’ he’ll be when I’m done with him’ Sara said spitefully. ‘But he is in one piece at the moment.’</p>
<p>‘What did he say?’ Elizabeth asked, in her usual, probing way.</p>
<p>‘Not a hell of a lot. Just some <em>crap</em> about freaking out and needing time to think...’ she spat out as El watched her carefully.</p>
<p>‘When the hell do <em>I</em> get to freak out, huh?’ she asked rhetorically, her voice angry. ‘I’m stuck here in this hospital bed, my boobs are aching and I’m tethered to another human being while Neal fucking Caffrey, is taking <em>time</em> to freak out’ she said using air quotes to accentuate her words.</p>
<p>Her voice faltered and Elizabeth could tell that her friend’s emotions were all over the map. It was no wonder, after the strain of giving birth and having her whole life change in seconds, she was bound to be emotional. And now, to have her baby daddy check out unexpectedly, leaving her on her own was just too much for the young woman to cope with. El decided she needed to tread lightly but she had to find a way to bring Sara back to the reason why she and Neal were so good together in the first place.</p>
<p>‘Did he explain <em>why</em> he freaked out?’ she asked.</p>
<p>‘Not exactly but he kept saying he loves me and he loves Hope’ Sara said, starting to soften before the fire came back into her eyes. ‘Whoopty doo! Those are just words El… <em>empty</em> words. I need him to be the man... the man I <em>know</em> he can be.’</p>
<p>El sat back and listened – Sara was on a tear and she needed to get all those conflicting feelings out in the open.</p>
<p>‘You know, Elizabeth, we went through all this months ago. Neal promised me he would always be there for Hope and I believed him’ she said with a tinge of sadness. ‘That’s what I get for believing a conman’ she added bitterly.</p>
<p>‘Sara, I was there too and I can guarantee you that Neal meant every word of it... and he really struggled with the whole situation.’</p>
<p>‘Well, apparently, he gets a do-over’ she continued, her voice shrill. ‘...and I <em>don’t!</em>’</p>
<p>‘Look, he’s on his way back to talk it out. Why don’t you give him a chance to explain?’ El suggested.</p>
<p>Sara returned to her hard, stoic shell, seemingly needing to change the subject. ‘Is Hope all right?’ she asked, switching to ‘mom mode’.</p>
<p>‘Yeah, she’s sleeping. The nurses will bring her in when she needs to be nursed. How are <em>you</em> feeling about... the whole motherhood thing?’ Elizabeth asked.</p>
<p>‘I felt fine until it hit me that I might be a single mom. Neal knew how I felt… I told him I wasn’t up to this... parenting thing by myself’ Sara said as her eyes met Elizabeth’s, ‘... but now that I’ve seen her...’</p>
<p>‘You love her already...’ El stated more than asked.</p>
<p>‘I think they should come up with another word because the way I feel when I’m holding her, it’s... <em>love</em> just doesn’t cut it’ Sara admitted.</p>
<p>Elizabeth smiled in response. She’d wanted to be a mom her whole life and she could only imagine the overwhelming feelings of devotion and responsibility a woman felt when a child was first placed in her arms.</p>
<p>‘Look, El. I really appreciate you being here and seeing me through the last few hours but I think I need a bit of time to myself to get my head clear before Neal gets here.’</p>
<p>Elizabeth took her friend’s hand and squeezed it. ‘Of course’ she said quietly. ‘I’ll go down to the lobby and wait for Peter there.’</p>
<p>Quiet returned around her, yet Sara’s mind was whirling with conflicting thoughts and emotions. She closed her eyes and tried to collect herself. Neal was the reckless one, not her, and she needed to take the time to think things through before she made any decision that would impact the rest of her life – and her daughter’s.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>The Ford Taurus pulled up in front of the hospital and Elizabeth Burke watched as Neal stepped out and made his way to the main doors. He looked tired and listless, no doubt unsure as to the welcome he was about to get.</p>
<p>‘Neal!’ she called out as she met him halfway to the car.</p>
<p>‘How is she?’ he asked, searching her eyes. ‘I mean... how are they?’ he corrected himself as he realized that now, there was more than just Sara to think about.</p>
<p>‘Hope is sound asleep and Sara is... well, I think she’s keeping an open mind. You’re not here to mess with her, are you?’ El asked sternly.</p>
<p>‘No!’ Neal blurted out. ‘Of course not.’</p>
<p>‘Because if this is anything other than a one-time thing, Sara is <em>not</em> going to put with it’ El warned. ‘Frankly, none of us are.'</p>
<p>Neal nodded resolutely; he knew that to be a fact. The only thing worse than Elizabeth Burke’s indignation was the wrath of Sara Ellis and Neal continued into the hospital to face the music.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>The nursery was noisy as Neal sauntered past. He glanced in seeing if he could spot Hope. Of the five babies presently housed there, four of them were crying as Hope slept peacefully through the ruckus.</p>
<p>‘Mr. Caffrey’ said one of the nurses he recognized from the night before. ‘Did you want to take your daughter into your wife’s room?’</p>
<p>Neal smiled at the words ‘daughter’ and ‘wife’ both so foreign to him. Hope <em>was</em> his daughter and the thought was both thrilling and scary in equal measures. As far as having a wife - Neal had never imagined in his wildest dreams that he would ever use the word to describe someone in <em>his</em> life but in a couple of months, Sara willing, that would be the case and he had to admit he liked the sound of it.</p>
<p>‘I’m just checking in on her’ he said meekly.</p>
<p>‘Well, you can come in if you want’ said the nurse as she held the door open for Neal to step inside.</p>
<p>He bypassed all the other bassinets, zeroing in on the only one that mattered to him and tenderly picked up his daughter in his arms, careful not to wake her. She looked peaceful and content, probably having been fed in the last little while and he watched in wonder as her tiny hand squeezed his baby finger. Her little mouth, in the shape of a heart, make a small sucking motion and she let out a contented smile as he watched in utter admiration.</p>
<p>Did he really think he could ever have walked away from this amazing little person?</p>
<p>‘Daddy’s home’ he whispered to her as he pulled her in to kiss her forehead. ‘I promise I’ll never leave you again.’</p>
<p>He put her back down in the bassinet and smiled at the nurse as he left the nursery. He wanted to have his wits about him when he sat with Sara to talk things out and he turned, purposefully taking the last few steps into Sara’s hospital room.</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound of crying babies receded as Neal made it up the hall to where the hospital rooms were located. Sara’s room was the one closest to the nursing station and on his way, Neal nodded to Karen, Sara’s primary nurse who’d helped her through the birth the night before.</p>
<p>She gave Neal a questioning look and stepped out from behind the desk. It was late and although there were no restrictions on visiting hours for new dads, almost all the patients on the ward were asleep.</p>
<p>‘Hi Karen’ he said sheepishly as he slinked by.</p>
<p>‘Hi’ she replied softly, standing between him and the door to Sara’s room. ‘Sara just fell asleep a few minutes ago.’</p>
<p>Neal looked at her, waiting for more. She seemed to have something on her mind.</p>
<p>‘Look, I don’t know the details of your personal business nor do I want to know but... well, it’s pretty obvious something’s going on and Sara’s been very upset all day.’</p>
<p>Neal swallowed the lump in his throat. Was she about to turn him away?</p>
<p>‘Is your presence here going to make things better – or worse?’ she asked bluntly.</p>
<p>She was a veteran and she’d seen lots of different family dynamics over the years and although she’d seen the love and devotion between Neal and Sara the night before, her primary responsibility was for her patient who’d been perturbed most of the day.</p>
<p>‘Better... I hope’ Neal said, his voice barely a whisper in the eerily quiet hallway.</p>
<p>‘Well, I don’t want my patient upset on my watch’ she added as she stared into Neal’s eyes.</p>
<p>‘Neither do I’ he replied softly. ‘I won’t stay if my presence is too upsetting.’</p>
<p>She nodded and stood aside, giving him clear passage and Neal continued the last few steps, opening the door to Sara’s room without a sound.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Oh, honey, you look beautiful!’ Sara said as she fussed with Hope’s bouquet.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Hope beamed back, her face glowing. The door opened and in walked Neal dressed in formal attire, looking every bit the proud father of the bride.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Oh my God!’ he exclaimed as he got his first look at his daughter in her vintage wedding dress. ‘You look amazing!’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Hi Daddy’ Hope said with a radiant smile.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘I’m glad you’re both here’ she said, calm and composed. ‘I wanted to say how grateful I am for everything you’ve done for me.’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sara and Neal stood proudly, trying to keep from falling apart although Sara was not managing it in the least. She dabbed at her eyes gingerly to keep from messing her makeup and Neal put a reassuring arm around her shoulder as they both gazed at their gorgeous daughter.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘You’ve both been there for me since the day I was born and now it’s my turn to pay it forward, to get married and start a family. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for the two of you. I love you so much’ she said, her voice faltering as she threw her arms around both her parents.</em>
</p>
<p>Neal watched as Sara slept, a soft smile on her face as she dreamed happy dreams. Her hair was mussed, falling halfway on her face as she lay on her back, her breathing calm and regular, a nice change from the troubled sleep and loud snoring she’d experienced over the last few weeks of her pregnancy.</p>
<p>For the past ten minutes, he’d been playing the dialogue over and over in his head. Sometimes, it ended with Sara smiling up at him and telling him he was forgiven and other times, he imagined her throwing something at him as she shouted for him to leave her alone and never come back. He realized he’d put off the inevitable long enough and he moved the hand he’d softly placed on her arm down to her hand and squeezed softly.</p>
<p>‘Sara?’ he whispered as her eyes fluttered open.</p>
<p>Her initial reaction was unguarded and she smiled lovingly at the sight of him before she remembered the events of the day and the smile melted into a look of sadness and disappointment.</p>
<p>‘Neal...’ she murmured breathlessly as she shimmied up to sit in the bed.</p>
<p>‘You looked so peaceful, I didn’t want to wake you’ he said as a means to a deflection. He knew better than to attempt one of his fabricated Caffrey smiles at a moment like this and he gave her a small but sincere one instead.</p>
<p>She raised her eyebrows and just glared at him, still getting her bearings and waiting for him to explain himself.</p>
<p>‘I’m sorry’ he said simply. ‘I was an idiot.’</p>
<p>Sara just kept staring into his eyes, that look of disappointment still on her face – somehow much worse than if she’d been yelling at him and Neal momentarily wished she would just speak up and give him hell.</p>
<p>‘Please say something...’ he finally said.</p>
<p>‘What do you want me to say, Neal? I’ve been lying here all day wondering if you’d finally decided you didn’t want to be a dad after all.’</p>
<p>He felt that annoying lump in his throat once more. ’No, that’s not it Sara. I <em>love</em> Hope and I love <em>you</em>, more than ever.’</p>
<p>Sara scoffed at his response – words were cheap.</p>
<p>‘I know I didn’t behave like it today but I do’ he said, hoping he had her full attention.</p>
<p>She didn’t have a whole lot to say to that so she just sat there waiting for more of an explanation. The onus was definitely on him to try to make things right.</p>
<p>‘Do you remember the night we closed the Campana case?’ he asked.</p>
<p>‘Neal, it was just a few nights ago, of course I remember’ she answered in her no-nonsense Sara Ellis way.</p>
<p>‘Remember when we were coming home from the Burkes in the cab that night and I asked you what we’d do if <em>our</em> daughter ever got herself into trouble?’</p>
<p>Sara nodded, her face still neutral. Like a judge presiding over a case, she was willing to give him some leeway to explain although she couldn’t see what any of this had to do with Neal taking off without a word to anyone.</p>
<p>‘I guess I’ve been haunted by Sophia Montoya’s face that night. She’s just a kid and... well, she’s somehow gotten herself into trouble while trying to do the right thing and now she’s facing jail time for theft. I guess I started worrying that someday, Hope might get into trouble...’</p>
<p>‘Of course she will, Neal. I mean, not <em>that </em>kind of trouble... but we can’t shield her from everything.She’s going to grow up and she’ll have to make her own decisions. It’s up to us to try to keep her on the right track until she gets there.’</p>
<p>‘That’s just it… I somehow got it in my head that I would be a bad influence on her if I stuck around and I... I sort of panicked’ he finally confessed.</p>
<p>Sara just stared at the man she loved, seeing the anguish in his eyes and wanting so badly to reassure him but the simmering anger got the better of her.</p>
<p>‘So you decided to bail... and leave me alone to raise our daughter’ she said, her voice growing a little louder and more impatient.</p>
<p>Neal didn’t have an answer for that and he just stared back, his mouth half open.</p>
<p>‘Do you have any idea what I’ve been going through?’ Sara continued, her eyes angry and hurt. ‘First of all, I thought you would never do anything like this so I started to worry that you were hurt or injured’ she said, angry tears forming. ‘I believed with all my heart that you meant what you said when I first got pregnant and all I could think of was that you were lying injured in a gutter somewhere.’</p>
<p>‘I’m sorry...’ Neal repeated although Sara didn’t seem to hear him.</p>
<p>‘You’re sorry? Is that what our lives are going be like, Neal? You running off doing impulsive things and then coming back and saying you’re sorry and expecting me to just forgive and forget?’</p>
<p>‘No, no, it isn’t’ Neal insisted. ‘Please hear me out.’</p>
<p>Sara let out a loud sigh, catching her breath and realizing it was late at night in a quiet hospital. She needed to stay calm. She shook her head in desolation and waited for him to continue.</p>
<p>‘Is there anything I’ve said or done in the past eight months to make you doubt just how much I love you and want a life with you and the baby?’ Neal asked, leaning in to make his point.</p>
<p>Sara listened. After they’d finally come to an agreement, Neal had been supportive and loving in every possible way and she realized now that she’d been lulled into a false sense of security where their relationship was concerned.</p>
<p>‘That’s just it, Neal. You conned me, I believed you...’ she said, unbidden tears coming to her eyes.</p>
<p>‘No, baby no!’ Neal interrupted, his voice adamant. ‘This is no con – I’m just… I’m trying to tell you how I <em>feel</em>. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? First, I have to admit things to myself before I can share them with <em>you </em>– I wasn’t raised to share my feelings. I had to keep things to myself, work them out and then put on a brave face and pretend everything was okay. And this... us... it’s all still new to me and I mess up sometimes’ he said without taking a breath.</p>
<p>‘Neal, I can’t live like this, not knowing if one day you’re going to decide it’s all too much for you. I would rather face things alone with Hope than to live on pins and needles.’</p>
<p>Neal shook his head as he began to realize exactly what he’d put Sara through over the past few hours. ‘You’re right.I should have come back here right after I had that horrible dream and just told you how I was feeling...’ he began.</p>
<p>‘What horrible dream?’ Sara asked, wiping her eyes.</p>
<p>‘This morning, I dreamt that Hope had become a thief and it was all because I was in her life and I started to think that I would be a bad influence if I stuck around.’</p>
<p>‘But – ‘</p>
<p>‘But, nothing, Sara. I’ve been hearing it my whole life – from Mozzie, from the prison system... from Peter... I’m a criminal and it’s all I’ll ever be. It takes time to turn it around and start believing that I can put this behind me, for good’ he said in a moment of pure clarity.</p>
<p>‘But you’ve been doing so well the past few months. I mean, sure, you and Mozzie still have your little sidebars I’d rather not know about, but you’ve managed to keep yourself out of trouble’ Sara said, struggling to understand.</p>
<p>‘And I <em>want</em> to keep myself out of trouble but.... I wouldn’t be honest with you or with myself if I didn’t admit that’s it’s not always easy’ Neal said, searching her eyes.</p>
<p>Sara listened as he spoke, trying to see things from his point of view.</p>
<p>‘What are you telling me, Neal? That you don’t think you can’t resist the attraction to a life of crime and that I have to accept that you’ll always be a criminal?’</p>
<p>‘No, if I really believed that, I wouldn’t have come back. I couldn’t do that to you or Hope but if I promise to be honest with you... will you help me?’ he asked, sounding like a lost soul.</p>
<p>‘Help you? What does that mean? Put up with your shenanigans? No Neal, I will not raise Hope in a life of petty crime and shady dealings.’</p>
<p>‘And I would never ask you to...’ he said, his voice trailing as doubt began to resurface momentarily. ’But I need your support when things get rough.’</p>
<p>Sara looked at Neal, not the ultra-suave, confidence man she’d met years ago but the loving, caring human being she’d fallen in love with despite his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. She wanted to throw her arms around his neck, confess her undying love for him and tell him things would be okay and yet, logic prevailed when she spoke.</p>
<p>‘I don’t know if I can do that, Neal.’</p>
<p>TBC</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The door to the hospital room opened, interrupting the tense conversation as one of the nurses wheeled in the bassinet carrying little Hope. Neal stood to greet them, taking his daughter’s tiny bed the rest of the way and placing it next to Sara’s bed.</p>
<p>‘I think this little one is hungry’ said the nurse as she turned to leave.</p>
<p>‘Again!’ Sara exclaimed.</p>
<p>The unexpected intrusion was a welcome relief and an opportunity for Neal and Sara to take a breath and step away from the intensity of the discussion, albeit for a few minutes. Hope fussed in her little bed, whimpering, her arms flailing and legs kicking underneath the tightly wrapped blanket, making her tiny body sway from side to side. Neal placed his hand underneath her to scoop her up, her body practically fitting in the palm of his large hand. He brought her to him, speaking softly as Sara watched the baby react to the welcome sound of his calming voice by turning her head towards her daddy’s voice.</p>
<p>‘Hey, sweetie’ he said. ‘Were you missing Mommy, huh? Are you hungry?’</p>
<p>Sara’s breath caught in her throat at the sight of the two of them – in her eyes, the two most precious human beings on the planet. Neal was a natural, something she’d noticed since early on in her pregnancy. He had an uncanny ease when it came to talking to children and she’d come to count on his easygoing nature as she continued to struggle with her own insecurities and her new identity as a mom. She watched as Neal sat gently on the edge of the bed, holding their daughter and she sat up, preparing to breastfeed. </p>
<p>‘Which side do you want to do first?’ he asked, as if breastfeeding had been a common occurrence between them for months.</p>
<p>‘Here’ Sara said, putting out her arms to place the baby on her left breast.</p>
<p>Neal sat with his arm around her, watching in awe as Hope latched on without hesitation.</p>
<p>‘Wow, she’s getting really good at that’ he commented as he gazed at the beautiful scene.</p>
<p>Sara placed a finger against Hope’s cheek, coaxing her to start suckling and Hope obeyed, her earlier sounds of discontent fading to nothing.</p>
<p>Neal gasped and Sara looked up to see his rapt face, completely taken by the scene he was witnessing as he tried to keep his emotions under control. Over the past several months, she’d gotten used to seeing him animated as he talked to her burgeoning belly, his delight obvious. Now that Hope was here, the emotion was raw and uninhibited and she realized, once again, that this unguarded Neal Caffrey was new, both to her and even more importantly to himself. Her heart surged at the notion and she wondered how they would get past this unexpected bump in their relationship.</p>
<p>A life without Neal had become unthinkable recently; the last few hours of worrying were proof of that. If she pushed him away and started to rebuild the wall she’d recently been working so hard to tear down, she would deprive herself of the joy of watching Neal’s face as he stared in adoration at their daughter. She knew for a fact that Hope would become a better person with her dad in her life and she realized she had to find a way to make that happen, regardless of her relationship with him. </p>
<p>Neal continued to gaze at the sight of the two ladies in his life. Who was he kidding? There was no way he could walk away from this life – a life he’d brainwashed himself into thinking he didn’t deserve. He had to find a way to make this work at all costs. He watched as Sara held Hope lovingly, talking to her as she breastfed, an image he would not have been able to conjure up in his wildest imaginings just a year ago. Sara had finally let him in and she’d begun to share her vulnerabilities with him since his return from the island and now, there was no turning back for either one of them.</p>
<p>‘She’s going to fall asleep again’ Neal remarked as Hope’s eyes began to close.</p>
<p>‘I have to try to get her to stay awake long enough to get her fill or she wakes up too often’ Sara said as she touched Hope’s cheek to get her to start nursing again.</p>
<p>‘Hey sweet pea’ Neal said, his voice a little louder as he touched the baby’s head. ‘Wake up for Mommy!’</p>
<p>Sara swallowed hard, hearing Neal referring to her as ‘mommy’ always did things to her insides. It was just so intimate, something she never thought she’d get to experience in her lifetime and now that she was somebody’s ‘mommy’, she couldn’t imagine it being otherwise. </p>
<p>Hope struggled with staying awake and Sara jostled her, placing her on the right side, her breasts sore and raw and she winced as Hope began to suckle once again.</p>
<p>‘Sore?’ Neal asked as Sara let out a small plaintive moan.</p>
<p>‘Yeah’ she responded, grimacing.</p>
<p>‘Where’s that cream I got you?’ Neal asked as he stood and started to rummage through Sara’s overnight bag.</p>
<p>She watched and smiled despite herself. Here they were, having a major blow-up, calling into question the very existence of their relationship and Neal was doing a mundane, wonderful, thoughtful thing just like all those other wonderful, thoughtful things he did every single day, things she’d grudgingly begun to expect from him. They were a team, she realized, and they <em>had</em> to try to work things out.</p>
<p>By the time Hope was settled back in her tiny bed, calm had resumed both in the hospital room and in the young parents’ minds. Neal asked with his eyes if he could join her up on the bed and she smiled gently and made room for him as they finally lay, facing each other, Neal’s arm resting on her hip.</p>
<p>‘Neal, I want to be your <em>wife,</em> not your mother… or your handler’ Sara finally said as they settled in, Hope sound asleep by their side.</p>
<p>Neal nodded at the important distinction.</p>
<p>‘You’re right, I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I just felt I needed to come clean about my fears...’ he said, his voice quiet.</p>
<p>‘And I <em>want</em> to hear about them... I want to know how you feel and I want to be able to tell you how I feel. But Neal, we can’t be everything to each other and I will not enter into our marriage with you expecting me to always be the one with the cool level head who’ll keep you out of trouble.’</p>
<p>Neal listened carefully as she spoke. She was right. He couldn’t defer the responsibility for the decisions in his life to another person.</p>
<p>‘Neal, I don’t expect you to be... perfect although you’re pretty damn close’ she added with a wry smile as he beamed in reply. ‘But I do expect you to put us first – me and Hope, just like I’ll put the two of you first in all of <em>my</em> decisions.’</p>
<p>He nodded. ‘You know, in some warped way, I guess that’s what I was trying to do today when I took off. I really thought it was what was best for her’ Neal mused as he ran his hand gently down Sara’s cheek.</p>
<p>‘No!’ Sara said, her voice adamant. ’That could never be what’s best for her, Neal. She already loves you, don’t you know that?’</p>
<p>Neal glanced over her shoulder at the small bundle of joy. The baby sighed as she slept and he smiled at the sight of her.</p>
<p>‘She’s amazing. How did you and I ever make such a perfect little person?’ he asked, still reeling from the newness of being a father.</p>
<p>Sara reached for his face, bringing him back down on the pillow to face her.</p>
<p>‘And she’s resilient, Neal. We’ll learn to be parents together – we’ll support each other and if we always try to do what’s best for her, we can’t go wrong.’</p>
<p>‘Why Sara Ellis, where did all this parental wisdom come from?’ he said as he jostled her.</p>
<p>She laughed, staring into his animated eyes and she shrugged. </p>
<p>‘So’ he said as he played with her engagement ring. ‘Do you still want to be my wife?’</p>
<p>‘Yes’ she answered as she leaned in to kiss his lips. ‘More than ever.’</p>
<p>Neal let out a sigh of relief and pulled away to look at her.</p>
<p>‘We’re a family’ he declared, surprising himself with the words.</p>
<p>‘We <em>are</em> a family’ Sara agreed.</p>
<p>WCWCWC</p>
<p>Peter Burke sat with the tiny baby nestled in his arms. He’d never been much of a ‘kid person’ but something about this tiny little being had reached all the way into his core and he’d fallen in love with his goddaughter the moment he’d first laid eyes on her.</p>
<p>‘Honey, you’re going to drop mashed potatoes on her head’ Elizabeth said as they all sat together in the Burke dining room having dinner.</p>
<p>Neal and Sara exchanged glances and chuckled. Seeing big, bad Agent Burke totally melt at the sight of a newborn baby was priceless. El and Peter had insisted on having the young family over for dinner on Sara’s first day out of hospital. It was fitting that they should all return to the scene of the crime – the spot where they’d sat seven and half months earlier, announcing they were having a baby and asking the Burkes to become godparents.</p>
<p>‘I’m being careful’ Peter replied as he looked down at the sleeping infant.</p>
<p>‘You know Peter, you’re going to spoil her. She can sleep in her baby carrier’ said Neal.</p>
<p>‘I’m good’ Peter said as El rolled her eyes at Sara.</p>
<p>He was going to be insufferable, she thought as she watched her husband in such an unexpected pose.</p>
<p>‘So Neal, are you looking forward to the time off to be home with the baby?’ El asked turning to the new parents.</p>
<p>‘Well, we’re planning on doing some cocooning, that’s for sure’ he said as he glanced at Sara and took her hand in his.</p>
<p>‘And I’m going to get back on my feet’ added Sara. ‘I was thinking of an aqua-fit class, do you think you might want to join me?’ she asked Elizabeth.</p>
<p>‘Yeah, that sounds great’ her friend agreed. ‘What about the wedding? Have you guys set a date yet?’</p>
<p>Sara and Neal exchanged looks; what with preparing for Hope’s arrival they hadn’t given their upcoming wedding much thought although now, they were looking forward to making it all official.</p>
<p>‘Well, let me get rid of this baby fat first’ Sara said pointing to her small paunch.</p>
<p>Neal ran his hand lovingly over the small remaining bump. ‘I’m going to miss your belly’ he said longingly.</p>
<p>Sara rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>‘What? I loved your big belly’ he added.</p>
<p>‘Well, that makes one of us’ Sara replied as she glanced across the table at Hope. ‘I much prefer her out here with us than in here giving me indigestion and keeping me up nights.’</p>
<p>‘Well, I hate to break it to you’ said El. ‘But I think your sleepless nights have just begun.’</p>
<p>‘You know, now that we’ve got the hang of it...’ Neal said, his eyes aglow as he looked over at Sara mischievously. ‘We could try for a little boy.’</p>
<p>Sara hit him with her napkin and he ducked avoiding the playful gesture.</p>
<p>‘What?’ he uttered in mock surprise</p>
<p>‘Neal Caffrey, you keep your hands off me’ she declared, laughing heartily.</p>
<p>The road to parenthood had ended where it had begun and now, there were plenty more adventures ahead for the new family.</p>
<p>La fin</p>
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